can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
