My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
