Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize