I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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