I can text with my tongue
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
