3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
