you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
