I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize