dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Randomize
