The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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