filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
