I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
