So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
