someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
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Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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