If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
