Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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