I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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