i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
