First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
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The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
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I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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