can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
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my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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