Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Randomize
