I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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