K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
