I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
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Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
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When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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