Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
