I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
did i walk over a car last night?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
