The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
i believe in u and ur pee
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
