Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
