I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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