somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
