Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
