I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize
