So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
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