Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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