Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
