I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
