did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
