I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
