you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
