he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Randomize
