I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
