no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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