I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
