Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
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please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
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By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone