Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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