At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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