yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
