Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
