my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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