The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
