The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
