i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Randomize
