I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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