I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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