so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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